Be Bamboo

Post Concussion Syndrome

How do we just… stop? Especially when we are immersed in something important like a work project in its final stages, or if we are singing mid song, or in the process of cooking a meal. Sometimes in life we have moments that force us to stop dead in our tracks and abandon any notions of continuing with what we are doing. Our plans crumble before us, our intentions completely discarded. A once clear future is suddenly no more. To just stop when we have gathered momentum in anything – cooking, cycling, writing, working, speaking- is hard. Where there is energy through progress, movement and developing satisfaction, stopping is never welcome.

Ten months ago I sustained a significant injury. During a kumite competition I was punched hard in the face which resulted in an orbital blow-out. The concussion didn’t present itself until a few days later when I began to experience brain fog, headaches and anxiety. I was inordinately tired, weepy and overwhelmed. Thinking that recovery from the concussion would take around a week, I became demoralised as my symptoms deteriorated. By day ten I was vomiting, feverish, suffering terrible migraines and had intermittent loss of feeling in my right arm. Tinnitus, nausea, poor short term memory and affected taste buds were also among my concoction of symptoms. And I had to just… stop.

The period following my concussion was a frightening and unsettling time. For weeks and months I was unable to function as I used to in day to day life. My autonomic nervous system was derailed due to brain inflammation and neck injury and as a result I felt dissociated from my own body and every aspect of my life, including my family. Even my interest in others, my loved ones, just stopped. I did not want to, nor could I, get out of bed much for the first five weeks and when I did I was utterly useless to those around me as my malfunctioning brain and my nervous disposition ensured that I couldn’t carry out basic tasks like cooking, housework or even scrolling through my phone. My work tasks were handed over to associates and I’ve yet to start back on previous projects. I’m not sure I ever will. Having your brain bashed is traumatic but it has provided space and time for me to re-evaluate my life choices. I’m thinking of steering in a different direction, not least because what I did before required heightened cognitive abilities and I don’t know if I’ll ever regain the skills needed for heavy editing and abstract creativity.

It’s been a long slog. While it has been almost a year since my injury, post concussion syndrome continues to impact my life. I still attend hospital visits for various issues (pulsatile tinnitus and nerve damage), and my forgetfulness is still driving me and my family insane at times. I struggle to focus on cognitive tasks and my confidence remains fragile. But I am beginning to feel more like myself. The tide has turned and I am settling back into a place where I can recognise my own power and strength; it’s still there, I just need a little self-belief to dissolve my newfound fear. My light is beginning to flicker back on as I participate in fitness sessions, gentle runs, longer dog walks, consistent karate training. I am almost fully human after nearly a year of being unwell. Good health is where I want to dwell. Gone are the myriad goals that used to swirl about in my mind. When my brain stopped offering its usual services, my mind took the opportunity to reset.

My tentative plan is to take each day as it comes and trust that the process of taking baby steps will lead me back to an active lifestyle. I am no longer thinking ahead. Long term goals have been put on the back burner, for now. And for that I am grateful. Before my concussion I had been curiously exploring the concept of present moment living. Through meditation and mindfulness I had tapped into a calmer way of living centred around gratitude and compassion. Yet somehow my mind was always fixated on the next big thing; karate events, travelling, personal goals, learning. I felt that I wasn’t quite achieving the mindful existence I wanted for myself. I am a lifelong striver and I have always relished personal development and pushing my potential. But post concussion syndrome has forced me to slow down and in doing so I’ve found that I pay attention more to what is happening in the here and now. For the last ten months I simply haven’t been able to function the way I used to. However, being stopped in my tracks has meant that I have more time to enjoy the views of my daily life. And from the vantage point of stillness and recovery I can clearly see that nothing is as important as good health.

Curious About Kata

The best way I learn about myself is through challenge. Growth won’t happen in the comfort zone, although the comfort zone is a nice place to rest and be thankful. For me, growth is my purpose. I am curious about how much I can learn, absorb, shapeshift and develop into wholeness. And the more complete I feel, the more I have to give to others, and the more effective I am in my family and community. Sometimes I feel frustration that I only have a limited amount of time on this earth. Frustrated that I can’t live all the lives I want to live; that I can’t be all the different versions of myself I want to experience. But I am learning a valuable lesson in acceptance through the art of karate, and that is that I’ll never be fully complete, finished, whole. To reach, as a cognitive human, my absolute potential is impossible; but to strive towards potential is an endeavour that creates an abundance of opportunity to experience myriad growth in all directions. I have come to accept that I will always be a work in progress.

Yesterday, I competed in my first karate competition of the year, taking home a silver and two bronze medals. Placing was a bonus but it wasn’t what I set out to achieve. I had spent a few weeks learning the long and challenging kata, Gojishiho Sho. It’s a beautiful kata to watch because it has an interesting balance of measured and steady artistic postures and slick sharp bursts of speed and power. Shifting between eerily slow manoeuvres and strikingly explosive action, when done well it is a joy to behold, and a very enjoyable kata to perform. Gojishiho Sho translated means ’54 steps’ and getting through the whole kata certainly feels like a fulfilling journey . Although I was placed in a category with two young world champion black belts, rather than feel intimidated it actually relieved the pressure. I can’t compete against them, they will always be better than me (isn’t there always someone better than us?), so my mentality quickly shifted away from other competitors and I focused on the mantra, ‘It’s me against… me’. And I’m curious as to why I don’t adopt this mindset in all of my karate endeavours. Immediately I feel more in control when I don’t concern myself with what is happening around me. When I focus on myself and go insular, when I concentrate deeply on what I can control in each moment, that is when I meet a version of myself who can accomplish and is progressive. And I like this version of me. It’s a difficult kata, way above the level of kata I am expected to know, but quietly learning and performing Gojishiho Sho to a standard that I expect of myself was definitely a progressive moment in which I experienced accomplishment. The journey of learning and competing this kata has taught me two things. Firstly, that I enjoy feeling prepared for performance. Secondly, that I thrive when I don’t carry the expectations of others.

Moving onto the kumite element of the competition I felt at ease; loose and relaxed. I had already set out to accomplish a decent delivery of the kata and now I was really just focusing on gaining sparring experience. I have much to learn in that department. Having had little exposure to fighting I possess no combat skills worth mentioning and certainly no expectation of scoring or winning. As it stands, kumite practice- be it in the dojo or within competition- I currently view as an opportunity to be curious about my potential. And I’ll share with you here that kumite is my least favourite aspect of karate but I have a burning to desire to understand why I feel that way. What am I afraid of? What is this challenge trying to teach me?

This particular competition gave me the opportunity to fight against my veteran peers and surprisingly I won all of my matches. I am fit and can be fast but they are strong, cunning and capable so I would never assume success is a given just because my cardio is good. I reached the medalling rounds of both Ippon and Sanbon kumite to come up against those two young world champions again. It goes without saying that both girls won and I didn’t score a point against either of them. However, I remained curious. As we were sparring I noticed that I can match their fitness; I can move around the tatami as long as they can; I responded to their light and bouncy style and found myself unconsciously trying to mimic; I wasn’t scared or worried or intimidated. It was, in all honesty, a thoroughly enjoyable privilege to face these girls on the mat. The entire kumite experience reinforced one of the lessons I had learned previously during the kata event- that I perform better when I expect nothing but to stay focused. I also discovered that I can be good at learning; I am a responsive and observant student, and I believe that’s a pretty good place to start my journey towards black belt.

And Karate is a journey, not a destination. I will always be a work in progress, always learning, always developing. The wholeness I seek is unattainable because as I grow, so does my potential. And yet I feel whole knowing that I exist without the pressure of reaching potential. There is no such thing as the perfect karateka. There is always room for improvement. I’ll continue to strive towards my potential, having witnessed through yesterday’s competition that joy and satisfaction can be found in the growth opportunities that present themselves, and not necessarily the results.

I Feel Better Already

The whole purpose behind a blog is surely to offload. Or influence. Or sell or gloat, I’m not sure. The purpose behind Be Bamboo blog is for me to create a place to share my voice. I don’t often use my voice in the real world; the virtual world, especially the anonymous virtual world, seems… safe. I also write better than I speak so my preference will always be to type rather than talk.

I’ve been feeling good these past few weeks, having ditched the indulgence and slothful existence of the festive season. I have big goals and aspirations for 2023 and a lot of hard work to do. Not only have I committed to a karate squad and will compete in the WUKF 2023 World Championships in July, but I have pledged my intent to strive for my Mountain Leadership qualification. Both feats, not mean. It was with trepidation that I stepped into the 1st of January knowing full well what those ambitions would require of me. No booze. Clean diet. Hard physical training, week in week out for months. Excellent mindset habits. Superb organisational skills. Unwavering focus. Deep breaths.

So far, so good. It’s only week three but I am optimistic that I’m moving in the right direction. The secret wisdom to goal setting, particularly for big goals that seem unattainable, is that they don’t just happen through wishful thinking. No amount of visualisation will make your dreams come true but visualisation with action, well that’s a truly powerful momentum. I’m well aware that what I strive to achieve will be a step by step process and I’m ready for that. In fact, weirdly, that’s the part of goal setting that I find so deeply rewarding; creating the habits necessary for success and following a slow and steady trajectory. And when success happens it’s never really the success that is the satisfying aspect; it’s the knowing and feeling that you were prepared. There is great confidence that comes from putting in the practice, and that’s my intention for the coming months. Whatever the outcome, I will know I’m capable.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned in life is the power of preparation. I don’t enjoy going into new situations, or any situation, without feeling, not necessarily ready, but certainly like I’ve thought it through. To practise until second nature kicks in is definitely my preference. I will repeat, fail, repeat, fail, repeat, fail until it becomes, repeat, repeat, repeat. I am glad to have developed that discipline. If, for instance, I have perfected a kata in my practice but on the day of performance things go awry- loss of focus, wobbly landing, a move forgotten- it is much less wounding because I can attribute that to the bad luck of tiredness/distraction. I know what I’m capable of and sometimes, well, shit happens. Usually as a result of nerves. Harry Kane just sprung to mind. I mean we all know he can hit penalties. At the end of the day his spectacular miss at the 2022 World Cup quarter finals does not mean he isn’t an excellent footballer. And it’s excellence for which I strive. To be the most excellent version of myself. To be the most excellent expression of life that I can achieve. I’m all about honouring the universe. And I seek this excellence for me, not for others. This year I face many highly intense challenges. To compete in front of hundreds of spectators, coaches and teammates, is a hugely nerve wracking experience. I also face the glare of assessment in harsh mountain conditions as expert mountain trainers monitor my ability to keep people safe, to navigate in adverse weather, to be physically competent on tough terrain. One day of preparation at a time is really the only way to arrive at these grand moments of life.

I’m up for the challenge. And the act of writing it out as I go is already helping me find clarity of thought. I feel better already.